Before the beginning
I thought it may be beneficial to write a series of posts that would tell of how we came to be the parents of a special needs identical twin. It is certainly not the identity I envisioned years ago but it seems so many steps have led to this moment.
To tell of how Charlie got to be a trached vent-dependent mircopreemie means I must start before the beginning.
A few years after we married, Cameron and I decided we would start a family, a simple task. This endeavor would be a dark year in my life as we came to grips with our diagnosis, “unexplained infertility”. How would God put a desire in my heart yet let it remain unattainable? It was a struggle everyday to fight off bitterness and jealousy. Many times I failed. Friendships were severed. I could not cope with other expectant mothers.
We turned to science and medicine after the first year and rejoiced when we heard the first heartbeat. Evelyn was born perfectly healthy in 2011.
The scars from the year of depression changed our lives forever. During that year, I had slowly become angry with God. In time, I didn’t speak much more than what I felt were the required niceties to a deity. It was all very religious without having any true heartfelt conviction. One day a friend gave me the advice: “Pray and tell God how mad you are with Him. He already knows.” And with that, my calloused heart began to soften. Prayer became more than repetitive words or saying what I thought was expected. Prayer was deep, intimate pleading of my heart.
A little over a year would pass before we found ourselves pregnant again. Revived at the thought of another baby, our hearts soared. Just a few weeks after our sonogram, we miscarried. Threatened again with unending sorrow and depression, prayer would resurface as a vital component to life.
I wished then and have often wished now that there was a magic prayer sequence to grant whatever my heart desired. Sometimes I want to throw in a “in Jesus name” to make sure the request was validated and stamped for success. In a book, it was pointed out how some times Jesus did not choose to heal or free a person. I’ve mentioned it before but when John the Baptist inquires of Jesus, the reply is that Jesus is the redeemer of broken people. Yet while the answer comes, John remains in jail only to be killed in the days to come. John must have prayed for freedom a thousand times. He may have envisioned his life extending more years, filled with more happiness and successes.
John was not spared and we often wait for redemption and an answer to our prayers. I do not know why having children has been difficult and filled with sorrow for us. What I do know is that when the answers are hidden from sight, we look to the Cross. All questions are silenced there.
“Patience is more than endurance. A saint’s life is in the hands of God like a bow and arrow in the hands of an archer. God is aiming at something the saint cannot see, and He stretches and strains, and every now and again the saint says–‘I cannot stand anymore.’ God does not heed, He goes on stretching till His purpose is in sight, then He lets fly. Trust yourself in God’s hands. Maintain your relationship to Jesus Christ by the patience of faith. ‘Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him.'” – Oswald Chambers