Get a Grip…or not?

Cameron and I have reached the point in our marriage that we skip over the niceties where one person tries to accommodate the other when it comes to picking out a restaurant or movie. If the permission is given, “You pick”, then the other person just does whatever they want. Years ago (ok, sometimes even now), we would say that and pretend like we were completely open to the other person’s choice. In the end, it was clear we were not happy and a fight would ensue. Giving over the reigns to food and entertainment is a huge sacrifice.

Years ago, I read this quote from Corrie Ten Boom: “Hold everything in your hands lightly, otherwise it hurts when God pries your fingers open.” It has stuck with me very much during this entire ordeal with the twins. In our current status, we feel it all too intimately. Three weeks ago we were given the discharge orders for the next day. Finally! We were bringing Charlie home after a week in the hospital. We called our nurse who arrived early and as we gathered our things to head out, the pulmonologist called and our plans were canceled. It was heartbreaking and I wrote about it early in “Disappointments”. It has been a month in the hospital now. Here we are again on the precipice of bringing our baby home. Our baby who is 9 months old but has been in our home for only 26 days total. Will discharge be a short time from now? We desperately pray for it. How do we wait for the final decision? With open hands.

While Cameron and I can now be “totally open” to what the other person decides for dinner, I still find it hard to be that way with God. Proverbs 19:21 says “Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.” When times are easy and things are constantly “falling into place”, this is an easy verse to handle.  When disappointments continue to stack up, I tend to read this and hate it. But I know the character of God. Were twins part of our plan? No. Was a high risk pregnancy part of our plan? No. Was having a baby spend his entire life away from home, too far for me to hold each night, too fragile to rock to sleep, too medically complex to take care of him alone…was this part of our plan? Yep. Just kidding. No. Definitely not. Heck no. There are many things that make me say “He MUST come home by this day.” All of them are valid and reasonable.

How do you hold things lightly? Lots of prayer. Constantly asking God to make sure your heart isn’t clinging too much. I repeat phrase “Thy will be done” to myself. I ask the question, “In light of eternity, what is most important?” Many of the prayers are repeating back to God what I know of Him, “God I know you are good. I know you love me. I know you love Charlie. I know you work all things together for good…” Then I admit that the plans He’s working seem weird, hard, wrong, depressing, etc. And then I try to remember that my response is my responsibility. Breathe in, breathe out. This too shall pass. What will happen in the end? God’s purpose will prevail. Thy will be done.

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Charlie, still intubated, with “no end in sight”. Keeping perspective of the past helps with today.

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