Empty Resolutions

Copy of DSC_6914Is anyone absolutely exhausted from Christmas? Or is that just me? Seriously, I am so glad it’s over. Then I feel terribly guilty that I wish it all away. I did this year because it was constant chaos: the never ending of socializing, small talk, opening gifts, constructing toys, and cleaning up the mess. I tend to welcome New Years with joy and a sigh of relief.

New Years is known as the time to reorganize your life, take stock of how you spent last year and what you might change for the next, make goals, write down resolutions, and try your darnedest not to forget any. I love reorganizing. I like to make everything tidy and neat and in it’s place. I throw lots of things away because (despite the look of my craft area) I hate clutter.

I sit down now to think of 2018 and I’m struck with a sense of lostness. That weird feeling like you’re just floating through the days without any major goals beside feed and don’t kill the kids. It’s not the first time I feel this way and I can bet that you experience it also. You start to think questions like: “What’s the point?” “I’m bored. What can I do next?” “Is what I’m doing the right thing or do I need to be looking for something that fits me better?” I tend to start blaming it on not being content or not “knowing myself better”. I want to believe that it’s either a bad attitude and not being grateful or that I’m dabbling in hobbies or things that really aren’t my “gifting”. I think these are true to an extent. But I also think if I constantly run with these ideas, I will always come back to the feeling of being lost. So, what is to be done?

I prayed over this and began writing down my feelings and saying exactly what I was feeling because the paper I write on doesn’t judge me. All my questions were so “me oriented”. My heart knew that I was looking for purpose and that He has already told me what my purpose is. And it’s the same exact purpose as you despite differing personalities and interests. Jesus says in Matthew 22 that the greatest commandment is to love God and the second is to love your neighbor. The common saying is our purpose is to “know God and make Him known”. These two commandments are summarized in that catchy phrase.

Knowing this doesn’t take away the feeling like I should have a goal and resolution I should be making to improve  my life. Aren’t we always looking to improve our lives? Most of us are really looking to improve our circumstances. Today, the circumstance I find myself in is this: I am the mother of a medically complex child who requires constant care. My husband and I both have a parent battling aggressive cancer. Our social life has been interrupted. Our family dynamic has been altered. Our ability to serve in our church is practically eliminated. Our emotions are spent before the coffee is warmed each day. Inwardly, I want to write down resolutions for next year to make all these things go away. I desperately want the circumstances to turn out better than they are.

This New Year, I am foregoing the list. I will not make any resolutions about my physical body, my financial outlook, my free time activities, my gluten-heavy intake, etc. I’m sure those things will get done at some point maybe this year or the next. Instead, I will take a note from Charles Spurgeon about my purpose and overall “goal for life”:

“God has set apart His people from before the foundation of the world to be His chosen and peculiar inheritance. We are sanctified in Christ Jesus by the Holy Spirit when he subdues our corruptions, imparts to us grace, and leads us onward in the divine walk and life of faith. Christian men are not to be used for anything but God. They are a set-apart people; they are vessels of mercy, they are not for the devil’s use, not for their own use, not for the world’s use, but for their Master’s use. He has made them on purpose to be used entirely, solely and wholly for Him. O Christian people, be holy, for Christ is holy. Do not pollute that holy Name wherewith you are named. Let your family life, your personal life, your business life, be as holy as Christ your Lord would have it to be. Shall saints be shams when sinners are so real?”